Friday, August 27, 2010

Life in the Son

Here comes the sun (tum ti tum ti)
Here comes the sun
And I say
Its all right
(tum ti tum ti ..)

The feeling of Spring in the air always makes me sing.
The truth is.....

I love the sun
I love the Son
(a happy English coincidence)

In England I suffered from S.A.D. That's sun affected disorder. My African brain could not function properly without light. Up in the frozen north I saw very little light. The days were short, the nights very long. I felt like I was wading through a thick soupy fog.

I needed the sun
I needed the Son.

Without the sun I get sad.
I started making handmade patchwork quilts because of it. I sat under a daylight bulb and stitched away at patches of bright colour. The doctor told me that colour and light would kick start the serotonin in my brain, and make me happy again. It worked.

I need light to be happy.
I need the Light to be happy.

I made a point of using cotton fabric cut from friends' old clothes for my quilts. Now they serve as friendly reminders. They are also reminders to me at the moment of the importance to cut out the best bits from everyone and everything in life and stitch them all together. To toss away, as it were, the stained, torn, frayed and faded sections that bring with them no joy, no beauty.

I saw some wool recently, here in Joubertina. The balls of bright colour sat tightly together in a box behind the counter in the second hand clothing store.
I wanted some so badly, especially the bloeisel pink, the spring green, the summer sky blue...
Like a butterfly, spring was beating away inside me.

When money came I bought a bagful of balls. I am crocheting them out in stripes - making a startling blanket to keep me warm when winter comes again.

And anyway, God has been showing me rainbows lately. They seem to be everywhere. A combination of rain and sun. Thats a rainbow.
So I've been thinking that maybe...

Christ is the Rainbow.
The Promise, the Hope - the prism through which all colour breaks forth.

My blanket is a rainbow in the making. I am compulsively, obsessively addicted to it. As it grows under my hands I am excited by all the different colour combinations. Blue next to yellow, pink against green, purple beside orange.

Rain and Sunlight
Tears and Laughter
Winter and Spring
Death and Resurrection Life.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Black Beauty

Black like night.
Black velvet pierced with stars.
Black like jet.
Patent leather shoes with lacy white bobby socks!

Top hats and tails .
A little black dress on Oscar night.
Onyx rings

Black tyres with white walls.
Sleek limousines with black tinted windows.

My favourite wine-gum.

I have always told my children they are beautiful. They are blessed because it is true.
Black is, of cause a political term. No one is really a colour.

In England a group of National Front skinheads once pelted me and my ex husband with snowballs, whilst snarling the word 'Nigger.' I was pregnant and slipping on the black ice on the sidewalk. I remember the white snow against their Doc Martens. White against Black.

On the street in Port Elizabeth in 1990 a man nearly shot my then husband because he assumed he was assaulting me. (His hand was on my arm.) He called him 'Kaffir' and ordered him to move away from me. I remember that his gun was large and his finger was on the trigger. A white finger against black steel.

I thought there were laws in place and these and other names would not be heard again. At least not in public life. I thought people would keep their mouths shut and let these words seethe inside their heads, only.

Not so. In hidden places, like here, there is a freedom I have found to allow inner venom to spill out. To allow hatred to curl from lips and teeth and tongues, to curl into the air. To spiral into my ears, my mind, my heart.

They hurt, these uncaring, unfeeling, cold, stone, dismissive, sword-like, dagger stabbing words.
And White Tiger like, being a mother also, my teeth and claws are showing.

White snow
White lace at weddings
And smooth icing on cakes
White linen on washing lines
Arum lilies growing in glades
Warm white bread
Milk frothing from cows

Oh God
Creator of All

Piano keys play harmony

Black print on a White page
Charlie Chaplin
Black and White movies
Black ties and frilly White shirts...

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Having a ball in Joubertina

I think there is a lot of evidence to show that it is very likely that God is very fond of balls.

We all live on one, for a start - this pale blue dot spinning through space, surrounded by a whole lot of other balls. I remember that wonderful Giglio show all about space. It made me feel really small and God is, of cause, very big.

I have a lot of balls around me right now in the koshuis. Pool balls, ping pong balls, volleyballs and soccer balls. Never mind the rugby ball. I'm fed up with rugby right now, and anyway it's not a true ball...

Years ago I worked in Arcadia, in the days of Apartheid. I was young, with so much passion and vision. I wanted to reach the 'lost' and the 'poor' and the gangsters on the corners, smoking boom. I remember praying fervently for them as they sat there, under their gloomy cloud.
So I went out walking with a ball. I was pretty fearless then, armed with my ball. Those boys were covered in tattoos, not body art, you understand, but 'tjuppies' - the prison variety.

I sat with them there, under the vandalized street signs, and talked balls. That was the beginning of the football team. They, like God, also liked balls.

I am 48 this years and too tired for it all anymore. I try not to regret things but today I do. I regret the walking out I've just done again, with balls. I regret the pool, table tennis and volleyball me and my family started for children here. I regret the fact that someone closed it down after only a couple of weeks because of some childrens' petty misdemeanour. I regret the fact that it seems as though no one really cares...

I regret the regret.

I took on a job to work with food and finances. The only balls in sight were supposed to be a meatball, brussels sprout,onion, beetroot, baby potato or tomato.

Some things should be left well alone, and either I've lost my touch (dropped the ball) or doing work with balls is not what it used to be.

In a place like Joubertina I'm an English, liberal misfit (strangely enough a bit like a rugby ball once was I guess).
I stood up here and shot my mouth off about a whole lot of things. Well, there are more cannonballs and gunshot still out there than I realized. Man made balls, the lot of them. More than my mouth has been shot off.

Balls are fun, except when they come at you. Hard.
I now know how those Goalies felt.

It's not Gods fault. I take most of the blame.
I don't think He ever intended me to do more right now than cook up a storm.

At the moment its all a right balls' up!